Reclaiming My Power: Healing from Religious Trauma

They say it takes time to break a habit, but what about undoing the shackles of conditioning? Most of us have grown up with a religion or set of rules from our family of origin. That can come with its challenges. As we grow into our identity, our upbringing, cultural background, and family relationships shape who we are becoming. Unfortunately for some, that means giving in to the expectations and rules of any given religion – even if it isn’t aligned with one’s own identity. 

What is Religious Trauma?

According to therapist.com, “Religious trauma occurs when a person’s religious experience is stressful, degrading, dangerous, abusive, or damaging. Traumatic religious experiences may harm or threaten to harm someone’s physical, emotional, mental, sexual, or spiritual health and safety.” Religious trauma is born out of a form of abuse that can cause self-hatred, deep-rooted shame, perfectionism, hypervigilance, difficulty with decision-making, lack of boundaries, and co-occurring mental health disorders.

The idea that we must follow what our family reaches us in terms of religious expectations can leave us feeling damned, hurt, confused, and even in denial of who we are. These feelings can cause very real complications in self-actualization, where even in our efforts to act in ways that are authentic to our sense of self we can still feel like we’re doing something “wrong,” all because it goes against what our religious upbringing has taught us. By radically accepting the hurt we experienced growing up, these memories can be reinvented and reframed to consider our intersecting identities, rather than the version of ourselves that our religious trauma can accept. 

According to cptsdfoundation.org, religious trauma can manifest into CPTSD or complex PTSD which describes the results of ongoing, inescapable, relational trauma. Complex PTSD typically involves being hurt by another person. These hurts are ongoing, repeated, and often involve a betrayal and loss of safety. 

Healing from Religious Trauma: My Story

I have been judged and marginalized by my own religious background many times, especially by other people. Through my own healing process, I have learned to have my own version of spirituality through my own interpretations and setting boundaries with those who have judged me in the past. Taking care of your basic life needs, biological and psychological via self-care and special interests can be an integral part of healing from traumatic experiences. A change in environment, a new chosen family, looking for support and engagement with loved ones such as friends as well.

A great way to build meaningful connections is to support others who have gone through something similar to you and you would be surprised at how many meaningful and lasting bonds you can make by taking that leap of faith. The threads of our past can trickle down to our present but to be inspired by them instead of frightened by them was a reframe that has helped me heal and forge ahead.

In my life, I have learned countless valuable lessons about self-exploration and self-acceptance. Coming from a deeply religious family, however, those lessons were limited to what was permissible, and kept starkly away from things considered “sinful.” This “black and white” thinking led to constant inappropriate guilt making me feel like I was doing something wrong by being attracted to the same sex.

I was told as a young man that we could only marry a woman and there were no exceptions. From a very young age, I knew that I was attracted to other men and it caused a great deal of sadness and loneliness in my youth. Simultaneously, I knew I was always connected to a higher power and believed in something that connected human beings, but this came with being pushed away by religious family members and leaders to the point that I left spiritual connections altogether out of anger. 

Eventually, with this call to a higher power still ringing in my head, I began to ask myself; why couldn’t I be more than one thing? Why couldn’t I be monotheistic and queer? I began my healing process, and through that process my life has changed in ways I never could have imagined.

Most of my opportunities in life arise from my intersectional identities, and had I never accepted these identities I could’ve lost out on the amazing, full-colored picture my life has become. Every day, I continue to learn in new ways that I can still be spiritual and unapologetically gay. It is never too late to accept who we are and what we bring to the table. 

Intersectionality and Radical Acceptance

Intersectionality has been a guiding key for me and coming into my highest self and best version of myself. In accepting who I am, I’ve had the opportunity to open myself up to connections with others just like me – and that has only made my healing journey more amazing.

When you build a support system, a chosen family, you can bathe in your healing journey and growth of intersecting the best version of yourself with ease. We can always rely on hope, throughout the tumultuous experience of life and human existence. Though change usually comes from hurt, remember that with every calamity comes opportunity. Even through wildfires, forest floors are left filled with nutrients to birth new trees and life. Hope will always find you if you let it.

Healing from religious trauma can be a long and painful process, with doubt about the validity of your experiences and processing hanging over you. I am here to tell you: your religious trauma is valid even if you are religious, your religious trauma is valid even if you are not religious, even if you feel that others have had it worse or that it could have been avoided, or in any other circumstances that may give you pause. Understand that your experiences are your own and your thoughts and feelings are valid no matter what. 

To begin this healing process, you can implement processing strategies such as journaling, speaking to a mental health professional, and/or having difficult conversations with family members. All of these aid in the process of building a more well-rounded understanding of your experiences and releasing all that no longer serves you. Through radical acceptance and release, you can begin to decide what you truly believe in, and what you’d rather let go of. 

Give yourself grace. With love, Taha Ali Alvi, LMHC. 

Whether you need any resources or are looking to begin your healing journey, remember that we at Fire Island Pines Psychotherapy are always ready to welcome you into our chosen family, and become part of your own. We are here for you, no matter what.